When I was 3, my parents split up and my mother was left in charge of 5 children between the ages of 3 and 9. It was definitely not the life she expected to be living, but she met the challenge and dragged her brood back to her hometown. My grandfather had the generosity of heart to sell the iconic Victorian house he had raised his family in and had his medical practice in – and while he and my grandmother moved into a small house across the street, he purchased a house for the six of us, and for the last years of his medical practice.
When I was 10 my mother remarried. I was very happy to have a father figure again…. My own father had become less and less regular in my life due to mental, physical and financial issues. He had been a very loving father to me before the family split up, and I was devastated by the loss of him when I was 12.
My mother and step father managed their brood of 7 via screaming. (This is not uncommon) Being the youngest of all, I had zero voice in that family and whenever I did try to make my voice heard I was berated, talked over, ridiculed and sent to bed with out supper. I had one friend whose home life was so traumatic that she plucked her eyelashes and eyebrows every day – She came to dinner one night, and after seeing how my family treated me, she was horrified, and said to me as she left, “Now I have a reason to be grateful for my family.”
This effective silencing of my voice in the context of the family was critical to the subsequent years of sexual abuse.
My oldest sister flew the nest within a year of the marriage, and then the next year the next two left, and then the next two, leaving one brother and myself who were a few years younger. By this point, I was deeply involved in music – my great escape. It was around this time that the sexual abuse began, when I was 12 or 13. While it was happening, I never recognized it for what it was. I was extremely naive.
By the time I went off to college I was an absolute mess – emotionally, physically, mentally. I spent the next two decades searching for love in all the wrong places. All I had ever learned about love was that my value lie in my ability to arouse a man.
Decades later, my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my family about what happened. I got carried away in anger writing the letter, lashing out against everyone for everything … and so, of course, that created a huge, huge problem. I asked my therapist to NOT report the sexual abuse, however one of my brothers told my story to his therapist, and THAT created a huge problem. I was cast out of the family.
This point in time was the Darkest Night of my soul. (One of MANY.) It was a breakdown of everything I had ever known and held dear. God truly provided for me at that moment, and put me on a path to healing. That was about 2001, the year everything changed in our world.
A few years later, I ended one bad relationship and immediately ended up in a worse relationship, which got me pregnant. In 2004 I gave birth to my son, and that changed my world in the most beautiful way… it’s when I truly began to learn about Love, even though the relationship with my partner was emotionally abusive.
It took me until 2012 to align with the path of Consciousness, and through meditation I found redemption, and self forgiveness, and empathy, and self-love, and ultimately the release of shame. My life has become such incredible wealth of opportunity, that I can barely express it in words.
I always light a candle at night. When my step father passed away, his spirit came to me – dazed and confused, as always happens when people pass away, drugged. He said to me, “Am I dead? I don’t know where I am or what I’m supposed to do.” And, telepathically I replied to him, “You stay here as long as you need to, but your job is to follow LOVE and LIGHT. Look for your mother, she’s waiting for you.” He stayed a few days, and then suddenly disappeared as through a door of light.
There are no mistakes. I have full acceptance of, responsibility and gratitude for the challenges I have been given in my life. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes, and whether or not others are able to forgive me – I have no control over that.
My story is not the worst it can be – by any stretch of the imagination – but was traumatic enough for me to be forced to evolve into the frequency of Love, and ultimately that is our job here on Earth: