When I was 3, my parents split up and my mother was left in charge of 5 children between the ages of 3 and 9. It was definitely not the life she expected to be living. Fortunately, my grandfather had the generosity of heart to sell the iconic Victorian house he had raised his family in, and had his medical practice in – and while he and my grandmother moved into a small house across the street, he purchased a house for the six of us, and for the last years of his medical practice.
When I was, 10 my mother remarried. I was very happy to have a father figure again…. My own father had become less and less regular in my life due to mental, physical and financial issues. He had been a very loving father to me before the family split up, and I remain devastated by the loss of him. He died when I was 12.
My mother and step father managed their brood of 7 via threatening, vicious screaming. Being the youngest of all, I had zero voice in that family and whenever I did try to make my voice heard I was berated, talked over, ridiculed and sent to bed with out supper. I had one friend whose home life was so traumatic that she plucked her eyelashes and eyebrows every day. She came to dinner one night, and after seeing how my family treated me, she was horrified, and said to me as she left, “Now I have a reason to be grateful for my family.”
This effective silencing of my voice in the context of the family was critical to the subsequent years of sexual abuse.
My oldest sister flew the nest within a year of the marriage, and then the next year the next two left, and then the next two, leaving one brother and myself who were a few years younger. By this point, I was deeply involved in music – my great escape. It was around this time that the sexual abuse began, when I was 12 or 13. While it was happening, I never recognized it for what it was. My life was void of Love; it did not exist in our household, so I had zero context and I was extremely naive.
My step father never raped me, of that I must be clear (thank God for small graces?). He liked to get hard by rubbing against me. So, for instance in the morning I would be in the kitchen fixing my toast and he would come up behind me, rub up against me, grab my breasts and whisper in my ear. This happened almost daily. Other times I would be researching with books and papers spread around me, sitting on the floor, and he would come up behind me and start rubbing up against my head, holding my head back against him.
I feared ever being alone with him, so I spent all the time I could in my room, and I spent as much time as I could away from home. By the time I went off to college I was an absolute mess – emotionally, physically, mentally. I spent the next two decades searching for love in all the wrong places. All I had ever learned, was that my value lie in my ability to arouse a man.
Decades later, I was in therapy and my therapist instructed me to write a letter to my family about what happened. Of course, she should have told me to NOT send the letter, but she forgot that part. I got carried away in anger writing the letter, lashing out against everyone for everything … and so, of course, that created a huge problem. I asked my therapist to NOT report the sexual abuse, however one of my brothers told my story to his therapist, and that therapist ended up reporting my step father, and THAT created a huge problem. I was cast out of the family.
This point in time was the Darkest Night of my soul. (I’ve had MANY.) It was a breakdown of everything I had ever known and held dear. God truly provided for me, and put me on a path to healing. That was about 2001, the year everything changed in our world.
A few years later, I ended one bad relationship and immediately ended up in a worse relationship, which got me pregnant. In 2004 I gave birth to my son, and that changed my world in the most beautiful way… it’s when I truly began to learn about Love, even though the relationship with my partner was emotionally abusive to the extreme (I finally left that relationship in 2019, when my son was old enough to stand on his own against his father).
It took me until 2012 to align with the path of Consciousness, and through meditation I found redemption, and forgiveness. I was finally able to forgive my step father for the trauma he caused me, and I was able to forgive myself for the trauma I had caused others. These waves upon waves of forgiveness opened up my life to such incredible wealth of opportunity, that I can barely express it in words. I forgive my mother too, although I can no longer share space with her.
There comes a time when we must sever the ties of those who no longer serve, blood or not. And, although it is a very difficult path to tread, when you have built up the emotional resources to commit to it, it offers the sweetest freedom. When you are in a situation which does not serve you, it is up to you to remove yourself however you can, and find those who recognize your value and elevate you. The fact that I was recently called a genius by 3 separate people in the span of a week is proof enough to me that I’m on the right track, with the right people, with the work I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if my born family doesn’t see it.
And here’s the cherry on top: I always light a candle at night. When my step father passed away a few months ago, his soul came to me – dazed and confused, as always happens when people pass away, drugged. He said to me, “Am I dead? I don’t know where I am or what I’m supposed to do.” And, telepathically I replied to him, “You stay here as long as you need to, but your job is to follow LOVE and LIGHT. Look for your mother, she’s waiting for you.” He stayed a few days, and then suddenly disappeared as through a door of light.
I am grateful from the depths of my soul to have found my connection to Divine Consciousness, and to have begun amassing Fifth dimensional skills. I am grateful beyond words to know the power of LOVE and FORGIVENESS, and be able to teach my son to operate from that frequency.
There are no mistakes. I have full acceptance of and gratitude for the trials I have been given in my life. And I know that my story is not the worst it can be – by far – but has been traumatic enough for me to be forced to evolve into the frequency of Love, and ultimately that is our job here on Earth.